update: my ex-boyfriend is threatening to tell my new job I made adult videos

This is an update to a letter I never published.

Last summer, I received a letter from someone who had just been hired for a new job that she was really excited about. But her abusive ex found out about it and was threatening to tell the new job that she had made adult videos in the past, as a way to hurt her or force her to talk to him. She wrote to me, “I’m not ashamed of what I did in the past. What’s done is done, and I can’t undo it. But I am worried that my ex will send this to my new job, to blackmail me, and that if doing porn doesn’t make them pull my offer, seeing the potential for drama will.”

We exchanged several emails at the time. and here’s her update now (printed with her permission).

So, my abusive ex boyfriend was calling my new workplace and was threatening to send my boss “adult videos” of me. I had just started this new job and it was allowing me to move out from this ex’s house, and therefore his control, which he did not like.

Without going into details, I told my boss that the man calling for me was someone I did not want to have contact with and he was threatening to send emails to the firm partners of my private videos. She understood the subtext, and reacted super well.

She immediately blocked his number on our work phones. She also told me that if it would make me feel better, I could send his email addresses to our IT people to block, but that any email with a link or files attached would get caught in our very strict spam filter. I did end up doing that, for my peace of mind, though I realized that he would probably send the emails from a burner account instead of his actual emails. I blocked him on all social media, email, phone, etc. I also got the police involved finally, and while they couldn’t actually do anything to help me at that time, they walked me through what the process of getting a restraining order would be. I also, at the request of my boss, gave my office building security a picture of my ex, as an extra precaution. My boss also said that if it became necessary, the firm would help me with any legal issues that came up.

I told my ex, in no uncertain terms, that if he contacted my workplace again, I would get law enforcement involved, I would press charges for assault from a previous altercation, and then I blocked him from everything so he couldn’t contact me, and locked down all my security settings, etc. I’m still cautious when I see people on the street who could be my ex, but I heard through the grapevine that he’s been working on a job site on the opposite coast, is dating someone new, and that he bought a house several hours away from where we used to live, so the odds of us ever seeing each other again are very low. My office building and apartment building are also quite secure (and very close to the police station), which helps my peace of mind.

It’s now been almost 5 months since I last heard from him, 7 months since I moved out, and 12 months since we broke up. I am in a (very new) relationship with someone who treats me well, I have great pets and a beautiful apartment, and I love my job. It’s boring at times, but I love the people I work for, and know that they support me and trust me. I’m thriving, even during this pandemic.

Thank you for everything you do. Your blog is the reason I got the job I did, and I’m forever grateful for you. It’s a great community and an incredible resource.

update: my ex-boyfriend is threatening to tell my new job I made adult videos was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

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